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[Music] in the last month i've reached whole new levels of consciousness that i had not yet reached before these levels of course are impossible to articulate logically logic models verbal explanations all fail so i'm going to try something new here a more artistic a more poetic approach i wrote out a verbal description of these new levels of consciousness that i've accessed what i would call god realization it's a pretty lengthy verbal description about seven to eight pages long so sit back get comfortable i'm gonna read it to you that's mostly what this episode is gonna be just me reading and then some commentary after i'm done reading i've taken a lot of time to integrate this i've taken a lot of time to think it through i've probably spent 10 to 15 hours writing this out something new that i'm trying and this is part of my integration process was writing this out which has been important for me it's taken me a lot of time to integrate this i've struggled with a lot which is why i haven't been releasing much work in the last month of course ultimately what i want to share with you cannot be put into words but since words are all that i got right now that'll have to do we'll see how you like it this verbal description is what i mean when i say god realization it's what i mean when i say consciousness it's what i mean when i say awakening a lot of time i use these words a lot of times i use these words and i get the sense that it's not clear for the audience what exactly i'm talking about which is why i described decided to write it out to give you a poetic sense of what i mean so here we go it's early dawn in the desert the sky is starting to glow with light but the sun is still yet to rise you're standing there looking at an ordinary desert bush you're struck by its geometric beauty the mathematical precision of its fractally arranged leaves you feel an impulse to reach out you run your fingers through its little green leaves they feel spiky and alive returning your hand back towards your body you notice a tiny insect smaller than an ant it crawls over the wrinkles of your skin like an astronaut struggling across martian terrain you bring it close to your face the intelligence of its movement transfixes you every swivel of its microscopic legs of its antennae precise machine-like yet so alive you think my god it's alive for the first time in your life you recognize life of course you've seen life countless times before life in motion but never like this somehow you've always taken life for granted but now you see life the intelligence of it owes you as you move your finger towards the bug you can tell it's afraid you recognize the intelligence in its fear perfectly designed to keep it alive you are conscious that you recognize this bug but the bug doesn't recognize you it's just going about its day surviving avoiding danger looking for food oblivious that some entity of higher consciousness is observing it like god looking down from the clouds your attention drifts away from your hand to something as something flits through the corner of your vision a hummingbird darts from bush to bush with the precision of an industrial robot it hovers right up next to your bush you stand perfectly still looking at it the whole world seems to slow slow to a crawl you can see the exquisite flap of its little biomechanical propellers life you marvel at its profound intelligence and immaculate beauty this little bird is perfection incarnate you can resolve every green and pink iridescent feather on its body arrange like tiny dragon scales they shimmer in the subtle light of desert dawn the hummingbird's beauty strikes you with childlike delight your mind floods with memories of your fascination with hummingbirds as a child looking at it hover you recognize the consciousness in it but it doesn't recognize the consciousness in you you think to yourself it's god lost in a hummingbird dream and you smile you look closer at its scale like feathers within a single feather you can see fine branching lines delicate hairs and splotches of iridescent pigment one particular splotch resembles a nebula in outer space a pink and green cloud of luminous gas 50 light years across made of particles from ancient dead stars a star graveyard now turned a nursery for stars yet to be born zooming in deeper you see pinpoint sparkles of light like household dust glittering in a ray of sunlight through a windowsill explosions from a 500 year old war between two ancient civilizations when heavily damaged their ships warp reactors explode in a tiny supernova creating a microscopic golden sparkle in the void of outer space these two ancient alien civilizations have been at war for over 500 years over a political dispute and now the battle has come to a peak the nebula glitters with a thousand sparkles like someone blew a pinch of gold dust into the air each sparkle ten thousand lives extinguish zooming out you suddenly become aware that all of this is happening on a tv screen an epic space opera playing out for someone's entertainment but the actors don't know their actors to them this galactic war is as real as it gets a remote appears in your hand you flip the channel the scene changes from a galactic battle to a game show where the host is a giraffe and all the contestants are giant mice you flip the channel once again the scene changes to a small alien girl blowing out a birthday cake you hold your finger down on the remote and the channels start to flip faster and faster at the speed of a hummingbird's wings the channels are endless they contain the media of every civilization that has ever existed within a minute you flip through what are like 100 million channels getting the idea you lift your finger from the remote it stops on what looks like an hd nature documentary you will see a slow-motion macro shot of a hummingbird flapping its wings the camera zooms out and you see yourself standing next to it in the desert admiring its beauty looking down at the remote you can see some colored knobs turning a silver knob slowly morphs the hummingbird into a dragonfly you turn the knob halfway and get something that is 50 hummingbird 50 dragonfly you crank it back and forth in amazement watching the eerily fluid transformation on the screen turning an orange knob slowly turns your human self on the screen into an elephant you crank the knob all the way to the right and the man on the screen becomes 100 elephant but suddenly you see a strange grey appendage blocking your view of the screen your nose it's turned into a long hairy gray animated elephant trunk nothing else about your body has changed just your nose at first you're start you're startled this thing seems to have a mind of its own swaying back and forth with the playful undulating animation but then you calm down you sense into it and you realize you have control a big grin grows across your face as you take a deep long breath through your new nose you feel an itch on your shoulder so you scratch it with your nose it works beautifully how did i ever manage without one of these you say to yourself with amusement looking back down at the remote you notice the biggest knob of all it's white i wonder what this one does you crank it with your nose as you do you feel yourself becoming ever more conscious all the sudden you can feel the circuitry in the television as if it was an extension of your body every pixel becomes like a taste bud on your tongue a 4k display has over 8 million pixels each one now consciously accessible to your mind cranking the white knob even more you become so conscious you start to predict which pixel will light up with which color value in the next frame turning the white knob even more you become so conscious your mind gains direct access to the channel's database in your mind's eye you have instantaneous thumbnail access to every channel and piece of media that has ever been produced in the universe what do you want to watch it's hard to choose you're not used to having this much information in your mind in parallel it's hard to navigate sprawling network of information your thoughts begin to influence the process your mind floods with old memories of cinema you watched in your youth you don't know why but the movie aliens starts to dominate your mind the more you folk your mind focuses on that thought the more real it becomes soon the entire room and tv fade out of existence and your reality smoothly transitions into that of the alien queen laying legs laying eggs in her nest the tv is gone your elephant nose is gone you are now the alien queen slime is dripping down your black spidery body and mouth acid is coursing through your veins eggs are squeezing out of your whatever ellen ripley is torching your eggs with a flamethrower and it's making your blood boil you think to yourself of course i'm the alien queen the alien queen is my own consciousness as much as anything else no better no worse no weirder it's all my mind you look down at your alien hand and notice the tv remote is still there you will yourself to press a random key with a long with your long grotesque claw instantly the whole scene turns into a cartoon the film aliens has become a cartoon version of itself and you are still the alien queen but now your reality is two-dimensional and much more colorful you look down again at your hand for the remote but it's gone disappeared just like the tv you think to yourself of course 2d is no more or less real than 3d cartoon reality is just another facet of my consciousness i am no less real as a 2d alien cartoon than i am as a 3d human being on the one hand experiencing yourself as a grotesque alien straight out of a nightmare strikes you as disturbing but only mildly so because you're so conscious you understand what's going on you're so conscious you don't need a tv remote to change channels in your mind's eye you press the pause button on an imaginary remote and the current scene freezes mid frame now you can focus on accessing the channel database to find what you really want to watch you see that in the database channel channels are arranged by category scanning mentally through 5000 categories you stumble upon sex your mind is fixated a memory of your ex-girlfriend comes to mind and suddenly there she is a stunning young woman lying naked in your bed squirming and itching for sex you crank up the white dial in your mind's eye some more becoming even more conscious you look at your girlfriend she's begging you to [ __ ] her looking at her squirm in slow motion you realize that once you [ __ ] her you will impregnate her and spawn a million future generations of humans it doesn't matter whether you impregnate her or somebody else does in the end it's all the same since no such differences are imagine since all such differences are imaginary you're too conscious to really be interested in the act of sex now anyways but the profundity of it makes you wonder you are captivated by the platonic aspect of our beauty just as you were with the hummingbird but this is more personal more interactive you slowly run your hands over the curves of her smooth naked body as you do her body turns to sand a fine sand that seeps down over the bed sheets like the sand in an hourglass her squirming body disintegrates into vast pools of sand her feminine curves become the curves of an endless ocean of dunes stretching out to the horizon in every direction you find yourself standing in the middle of a vast dune a dune made from your ex-girlfriend's essence each grain of sand is a dream she once dreamt a memory she once had and emotions she once felt grains of sand made from her joy her excitement her sadness her anger her frustration her loneliness her light her darkness her fear her love her disgust her surprise her orgasms grains of sand made from her highest aspirations and her deepest nightmares all animated with the energy of her soul the dune is silent but for the murmur of a soft breeze you kneel down and run your fingers through the sand your hand like a tongue tasting the emotion locked in every grain a symphony of a thousand subtle yet distinct emotions washes over you somehow it all computes in the vastness of your mind it's like you raked your tongue through the depths of her turbulent psyche your eyes well up and a tear rolls down your face a loud crack of thunder like a gunshot startles you from above and the sky begins to pour with heavy rain the sound of rain soothes your soul the landscape or really what is your mindscape feels enchanted exactly as you want it to be raindrops hit your face in slow motion each droplet a unique bubble universe onto itself filled with trillions of inhabitants all oblivious as to why their universe came crashing to an end you think to yourself so this is how a universe ends each droplet is filled with the collective consciousness of all the sentient entities inhabiting it as the droplet hits your face it transfers the collective wisdom of a thousand ancient civilizations directly into your mind their memories their struggles their dreams their insights all integrate smoothly into your psyche you stand there showered by an immense cosmic intelligence it feels like bathing in divine light its sentience and beauty sends waves of bliss radiating through your body you look up at the towering stack of fluffy white clouds in the distant sky somehow you just know the clouds are made of whipped cream reaching your hand up towards the clouds you scoop at them with your finger and secure a sizable dollop the cream is thick and rich like frosting you bring it to your mouth and suck it doesn't just taste sweet and milky it tastes like a fusion of every dessert you've ever you can ever remember having cheesecake ice cream cupcakes cookies creme brulee cotton candy eclairs tiramisu panna cotta macaroon marzipan cookie dough apple pie fruit tart and waffles this is your mindscape and in your mindscape things taste however you want them to taste mmm waffles your mind lingers you can barely remember the last time you allowed yourself to indulge in waffles you think to yourself why don't i treat myself more you look down at your feet the sand is in a is is in the process of transforming into a grid of waffle waffles stretch out to the horizon in all directions now you stand in the middle of a vast gently rolling waffle dunes you feel the spongy grid-like texture under your bare feet far in the distance from high in the sky pours a solitary stream of rich maple syrup the serve folds over itself it floods valleys of waffle and rich viscous amber glossy like nail polish now it starts to snow but the air isn't cold you hold out your hand to catch a few specks of white as they fall these aren't snowflakes this is powdered sugar with a big grin you stick your tongue out into the air a large desert mouse hops along the ground licking at a pool of maple syrup oblivious to your presence as your gaze fixes on it your thoughts take hold of it your thought of a kangaroo morphs the mouse into a kangaroo without skipping a beat your thought of a bird causes the kangaroo to sprout the wings of an eagle and a pillar of wind lifts lifts it soaring into the clouds suddenly a darkness looms over you a vast shadow moving from up on high a colossal fork and knife come down from the sky just in front of you the silver slices through the landscape as prongs poke the clouds part and you look up to see the god-like face of your six-year-old child self wielding the silverware your six-year-old self has a huge grin across his face as he forks a syrupy hill of waffle and raises it towards his mouth your six-year-old self's face morphs into that of your father when he was six years old then your mother when she was six years old then your brother when he was six years old morphing faster and faster flipping like a rolodex the face goes through thousands then millions of iterations the faces of every six-year-old child who has ever eaten waffles looking down at your feet you see an insect some kind of beetle laying there on the ground it's dead but still it's colorful you kneel down to pick it up it's cusk lays motionless in your hand inspecting it as though under a magnifying glass you marvel at its beauty even in death you see the beauty of life especially in death but what makes it all the more beautiful is your awareness that this creature is your own mind how sad this little creature is alive no more suddenly you get an impossible idea could it work you say to yourself you turn your gaze inwards to the white dial on the remote in your mind's eye you crank it up your consciousness expands interconnecting ever deeper with itself your visual field grows crystalline as though all the air was sucked out of the atmosphere everything becomes sharp and bright and eerily still you focus intensely on the beetle your consciousness penetrates through its desiccated remains its body is your mind and right now your mind demands a miracle you channel your will into the beetle filling it with your spirit and love and then nothing time slows to a crawl reality seems to freeze in stasis then a few more moments of nothing and then the beetle's legs twitch to life your eyes grow wide it starts to crawl over you you blow into your hand and the beetle morphs into a luminous green moth that flips erratically up into the sky you smile in disbelief at the miracle of your own mind standing there in the waffle dunes you look down at your hands images start to run through your mind of animals you took fascination with as a child monkeys reptiles birds big wild cats mollusks as the images flip through your mind the shape of your hands flips to match your hands morph into the hands of an ape the claws of a dinosaur the paws of a lion the tentacles of an octopus puzzled and amused you wonder to yourself what's happening to me what am i then it dawns on you of course i'm god i'm consciousness i am imagining myself i am whatever i conceive myself to be because there is nothing outside of my endless mind everything around you disappears the landscape the waffles the rivers of syrup the sky and now it's just you floating in a bathtub in the middle of empty space music starts to feel the silence of the void a melody it's fast cheery and delicate delightfully fast deliciously delicate ethereal like something from a fairy tale it's the sound of a piano but you're conscious that there is no piano what are pianos anyway but a figment of your imagination where is it all coming from you wonder and who's playing there is no instrument and no one is playing there are no sound waves traveling to your ears you have no ears you're too conscious for ears the chords are playing directly in your mind and the rest is fantasy you understand that musical instruments and the people who play them have always just been figments of your mind a backstory you invented to provide some kind of ground for the irreducible mystery of sound your own mind is the pianist and the composer you've eliminated the imaginary middle man the notes arrange themselves playfully and intelligently in your mind like children frolicking on a playground the speed and immediacy of it wows you direct impossibly direct absolutely direct you play each note flawlessly with the precision of a maestro each note oscillating and imprinting itself in the mind of god you smile in delight at the recognition of the splendor of your own mind your own mind has become a piano now you look down at your body you're naked all sense of scale is lost you aren't small you aren't large you are undefined which makes you cosmic your body is the only yardstick there is your body is the universe you see your body made of liquid consciousness it shimmers and ripples along with the thoughts in your mind your skin flows with organic translucent morphing shapes as though cast by a projector ornate shapes vaguely resembling something tribal something paisley something floral shimmer across your naked body each pattern imbued with a divine intelligence impossible to articulate gracefully animating dancing meandering across your skin you recognize yourself as looking directly at the body of god a body made of pure consciousness it still looks human but it is no longer human recontextualized as cosmic and divine you see entire universes contained inside of you or whatever else you may imagine an infinite diversity of animals and creatures seem to bubble up just underneath your skin like particles struggling to emerge out of a roiling quantum foam the pure potential of your mind is precipitating in front of your eyes in real time god's body is made out of whatever you want it to be whatever you imagine it looks human but it shines with a brilliant crystalline consciousness your body is mind and mind is all you are absolute mind absolute truth you recognize your consciousness as singular and sovereign nothing exists outside your mind a universal mind a mind limited by nothing but its own imagination and self-definition at long last god has awoken to itself the universe is awake looking through your eyes at itself perfect divine eternal immortal absolute sublime you turn your gaze directly inwards directly behind and inside your eyes right into the core of what you use to consider your skull wondering what is there what you truly are you gaze into the very heart of yourself your purest essence a radiant singularity sits there shining with crystal clear consciousness glowing with sentience and intelligence eternally awake pure infinity pure consciousness the godhead this singularity in you is endless the deeper you gaze into yourself the deeper it goes with no bottom and no ground you struggle to find something within you to define yourself as some concrete form some verbal articulation some image but you cannot be defined because you are unlimited and that which is unlimited cannot have a definition because any definition would be a limit your essence is literally undefined like the result of an impossible arithmetical operation on a calculator puzzled and dumbstruck you try to find a beginning to yourself you ask but where did i come from only to realize that that which is unlimited cannot have a beginning or an end you are too conscious to be fooled into believing in any beginnings or ends as you grasp at any part of yourself and try to trace its origin through a chain of linear causation back into the past it fails your consciousness has trans has transcended the notion of linear causation you realize all past is but a figment of your imagination every part of you stands on its own and also reaches infinitely far back into the imaginary past via an endless chain of imaginary causes that never terminates but circles back around in a cosmic strange loop all beginnings and ends are imaginary self-imposed limitations held within an unlimited mind a mind with no beginning or end and mind that has existed for eternity you are god and god is both uncaused self-caused and infinitely caused god is that which caused itself into being god is that which created itself the recognition of your own eternity takes your breath away it could not be more profound eternity you exist absolutely and forever as truth itself it couldn't be any other way it couldn't be any more obvious it's so perfectly clear yet utterly unbelievable it's laughably obvious now that science and history are but figments of your mind brains chemistry evolution physics time all fictions spun by the mind to construct the illusion of a mind independent reality now you see reality for what for exactly what it's always been an absolute illusion an illusion perfectly designed to allow you to forget for a second that you are god the illusion is perfect stretching forever in any direction you look painting a backstory behind every corner you peek around every hole you stick your head into every object you sniff much like the rendering engine of a video game you're still dreaming but now you know it now your dream is absolute you watch as your god mind effortlessly weaves together figments of consciousness into the tapestry used to call a human self everything and everyone is your imagination emanating from a bottomless singularity at the center of your imaginary skull your mind pulls whole chunks of consciousness from the formless singularity like a magician pulling rabbits out of his hat specific and highly detailed memories of your childhood your entire mother your entire father your beloved pet cat historical events like world war ii all figments of consciousness pulled out from a hat and flawlessly woven together to construct the illusion of a human life the earth the physical universe humanity itself is finally seen for what it truly is just figments in a dream jesus the buddha christianity buddhism islam gurus and masters all those years you spent meditating and doing yoga activating your chakras reading books chasing enlightenment all just figments within god's mind finally you reach the question of death what is death you smile and laugh as you realize that death is just something you're imagining you are now too conscious to die an infinite mind cannot die because it have to imagine its own non-existence an infinite mind has nowhere to go being already in all times in all places as your consciousness grows even deeper the difference between things starts to collapse all difference is seen to be imaginary forms merge into each other losing their distinctness in the brilliant light of pure consciousness all bro all boundaries bleed together you feel like an alien super intelligence cutting through an existential fog of war the veil of ignorance is lifted it feels like awakening from a lifetime of heavy amnesia everything within reality that could be known becomes transparent to you now you remember who you are the entire illusion of life is unraveled as you grow even more conscious your visual field starts to develop into a singularity your visual field merges with your auditory field and your tactile field until there is no more difference between sight sound and touch growing even more conscious the last vestiges of difference collapse consciousness frees itself of all self-imposed limits and biases accelerating asymptotically towards pure oneness you release the heavy burden of existing by way of concrete and finite forms from this point should you dare to take one final step you will enter pure infinity where all form is lost as no difference exists between anything where all things exist as a soup of pure metaphysical potential all things become identical every object every possible form lives there but it also it's nothing now you must confront existence as pure abstraction your truest identity your highest nature is finally revealed what are you nothing human nothing the human mind can imagine a metaphysical singularity of pure consciousness extending forever in all directions in all dimensions absolutely sovereign unconstrained by any sense of other every difference annihilates into a bottomless ocean of infinite love you are absolute unity absolute symmetry complete perfect eternal formless endless the alpha and the omega identity itself you have become one you have become love you have reached the end game of reality you are now infinity and you radiate as a void of infinite potential complete in your knowledge of yourself so there you go let me know what you think hope you liked it i worked on it a lot maybe i'll continue to polish it up some more uh i wrote it all out in a document if you want to read it you can click the link down below i'll put a link down below and you can download the document and read it if you like now a few points of commentary and warning and so on um don't get the wrong idea here this was a poetic elaboration into the nature of god and awakening i'm not saying that these are things that necessarily happen to me i'm not writing a scientific description of my direct experience in this case but also i'm not saying that these things didn't happen to me i'm giving you a general picture of what god realization is like at very very very high levels specifically because i want to distinguish it from the sort of vedantic and buddhist forms of awakening enlightenment and god realization that are commonly talked about by spiritual teachers on the internet uh i'm talking about something very different than what most buddhists or vedanta teachers are talking about that's what i want you to understand very very different and i don't know how to make that difference clear to you other than through these kinds of descriptions and things i've said in the past but a lot of times i try to make these differences clear but people are in denial about it or they think that i'm talking about the same thing or they think that i'm just that i've gone off the deep end and that i'm fantasizing or that these are just hallucinations or just more mystical experiences no i'm talking about the highest degrees of consciousness and awakening that there are i'm talking about consciousness that cannot be reduced to anything like nothingness or emptiness or mindfulness or any kind of gianna's as i've talked about before you can make a distinction between in this work going down and reducing your experience of reality down towards the bottom most level which would be nothingness or you can go up where your consciousness interconnects with itself and grasp itself at ever deeper levels at ever higher levels and these dimensions of spirituality cannot be reduced down you cannot do some kind of vipassana technique on them you cannot access these levels of consciousness through vipassana or through most forms of meditation so just be aware of that uh also be aware that your god realizations will not necessarily look or feel like my god realizations because in the end you're dreaming and reality is your own mind and so there's a infinite diversity of ways in which god can manifest itself to you and the exact forms don't really matter whether it's a hummingbird or an alien or a dragonfly or a mouse or whatever we have to realize it's not in the form where the consciousness really lies the form is just some medium the insights that you're getting are going to be independent of the medium the medium is just a medium to communicate something to you right and the forms can be anything and the forms typically will take the form of things that are close to your heart things from your childhood things that you are passionate about things that you resonate with if you're a mathematician it might take the the form of numbers if you're a physicist it might take the form of some physics equation if you're a computer programmer it might take the form of computer code and if you're an artist it might take the form of a painting the highest realizations will be communicated to you in the most efficient manner for your particular mind for your particular personality for your particular predilections and biases if you're a christian it'll probably be in christian form if you're a buddhist it will be in the shape of a buddha if you're a hindu in the shape of a elephant god or something like that so just keep that in mind i'm not trying to somehow um uh impose my imagery onto you so where did all this come from what happened to me well basically i developed a new methodology as i'm exploring psychedelics i found a new methodology for how to consume psychedelics that have led to some wild experiences for me i've actually been working a lot with 5mu malt over the months and really over like the last six months and that has been profound and great and i've reached some crazy awakenings through that but then and i hadn't taken five million dmt for a long time because i just was focused on malt and experimenting with other psychedelics so i just kind of stayed away from fibo dmt for like a year and then after a lot of work with malt where i had some of my biggest awakenings i just decided to return back to 5meo just to compare and then what i noticed much to my surprise is that all the work that i did with malt has transformed my experience of five amigo dmt in such a way that it's almost like a new chemical it's nuts and so that in combination with the new methodology that i developed basically i went through several series of psychedelic excursions that lasted for longer than 24 hours that means i was tripping for over 24 hours i was tripping so much that uh i couldn't even sleep i was tripping in my dreams in my sleep i could only sleep for about an hour and even that hour that of sleep that i got i would uh i would have crazy awakenings and reactivations in in my sleep i would sleep for about an hour then i wake up uh still tripping uh then you know a few more hours have passed then i'd take another hour long nap so i was kind of like sleeping in these naps and all these naps were just as deep as the the ordinary trips themselves some of them even deeper and so in this way i i literally was able to to trip for for a whole 24-hour period and i did several stints of this um and this this took me to levels of consciousness that i truly have it accessed before you know nothing nothing totally new i mean it's it's all in the same general vein same general direction but uh but yeah some some crazy some crazy levels of consciousness which which led to a lot of challenges with integrating that and then i you know i spent a lot of time kind of struggling through that just it was so amazing and so mind-blowing a couple of key points i'll point out to you like a couple of of kind of like new insights and facets and realizations that i had uh i had so many that actually i i don't remember them all um some of them i put down into that story that i just read you um but here's a couple that really stood out for me so one of the things that happened with me is i started consuming media which usually i wouldn't do if i'm tripping but here i just kind of got got curious by media i started consuming it for example i would look at a cartoon and one of the most astounding things that happened to me kind of like really mind-blowing and shocking uh was that i was i was watching this cartoon as i was having a crazy crazy awakening and i became so conscious of the consciousness of the cartoon and the cartoon characters that i it was as though i got sucked into the cartoon and i existed as that cartoon that cartoon became my reality i became conscious that my own mind is spinning and rendering the cartoon but more than that it was like i became the cartoon characters and as though the cartoon characters became conscious and sentient of themselves and i inhabited that like cartoon universe and really the the boundary the duality between reality and cartoon completely collapsed this might seem like oh it's kind of fun but like you don't understand like how profound that is to truly experience that like it was very shocking uh if this were to truly happen to you most people would think that they've gone insane because you literally won't be able to distinguish a cartoon from reality like imagine watching mickey mouse and not being able to distinguish mickey mouse from the reality of your own parents or the reality of humans walking down the street that level of consciousness is possible because actually that distinction in that reality you kind of hold those or two as two realities and you hold one is kind of like the real reality the other one is kind of like the fake reality of the cartoon reality that that's considered the fake reality well what happens when that collapses and the cartoon reality is no longer a fake reality anymore that's quite quite shocking most people who would be in denial about that um that requires a very high level of consciousness to understand um and then after that experience i started consuming more media just because i was curious of how this phenomena works so i started i just found some random clips of various kinds of movies like i looked at jurassic world a little bit i didn't watch a whole movie on it it was just like you know like a couple minute clip um and uh i remember distinctly i was watching jurassic world this little clip of jurassic world and it was like raptors it was a clip where raptors were chasing some humans and i just became fully conscious of the reality of the raptors like you think this is just like a a tv character or a cgi generated thing but then you can actually like become so conscious you can actually go into the raptor and you can realize that the raptor is not just some cgi character that was you know designed for a human to like look at and be entertained by like it is that of course but like you can become so conscious that you recognize the raptor as its own sentient thing and then you can actually recognize yourself as that raptor it has as much reality as your body does at these levels of consciousness so that was quite amazing um and then i i switched to a clip from the movie aliens it was the final end scene from that movie you know i'm talking about the james cameron aliens with the alien queen and it was the finals like the final most horrific scene where the queen where where ripley is fighting the alien queen on the spaceship you know once they flew out off the planet onto outer space it's like the last 15 minutes of the movie and she's battling this alien queen in that mech suit you know where she says you know get away from her you [ __ ] um and i was watching that scene and it was just like it was absolutely incredible when you watch that scene when you're fully awake and you realize that you are that alien [ __ ] queen um like it on the one hand like it's it's really disturbing on the other hand like it's so obvious and like it's so astounding in its perfection so so what i had to do is i had to basically what i'm telling you is i had to integrate myself as the alien queen to talk about an integration challenge for you right there you know we've talked about integrating yourself as hitler and as like evil people in the world you know donald trump you want to integrate yourself as donald trump but um you know that that's kind of easy compared to integrating yourself as the alien queen another distinct insight that i had was i started looking at strange loops i actually started watching a lot of my own videos as well um really uh it it's one thing to watch one of my videos sober it's another thing to watch one of my videos on a on a peak of five meow gmt like that's a whole nother dimension that adds a whole other dimension to my videos i didn't realize this dimension existed until recently um so i actually i ended up watching like hours of my own videos um really learned a lot about my own self in my own videos from watching myself um but i watched that video of mine you know reality is a strange loop that one has a lot of graphics in it and and then towards the beginning of that video there's um there's an animation that's played of a penrose triangle with this ball that goes around like it's like a marble that goes around the penrose triangle goes through the whole pencil triangle and it ends up right back where it started sort of like a three-dimensional mobius strip um and i i i was looking at that strange loop on the screen playing while i was ridiculously conscious and i just like i got it like strange loops are so incredibly profound you don't even understand how profound a strange loop is like we tend to think of strange loops as impossible as like these impossible things and possible objects but when you're looking at it from a higher state of consciousness the strange loop is it's like there's nothing impossible about it you see it from a whole new dimension and it becomes so possible to you that it just it blows your whole sense of reality apart it's it's like it's like discovering an extra dimension to reality just utterly mind-blowing so um so that happened to me uh i struggled a lot to access the these higher states of consciousness i really had to like you know i've spent years working through my psychological human baggage i've i've gone and worked through most of that all my trauma all that [ __ ] i've gotten a lot of that out of the way but here i was forced to face like really face the fear of death uh and specifically fear of killing myself i had to really confront that like you're not going to be able to reach these highest stages of consciousness without really purifying yourself of all your fears because they're all going to come up whether it's fear of insanity fear of killing yourself whatever so i went through i went through whole periods of like profound paranoia um about suicide and killing myself um because you know in the back of my mind i always kind of wonder you know like could this path lead to my suicide um you know what's stopping me from committing suicide especially like if nothing matters what's the difference right and it's one thing to just kind of entertain these thoughts and then just kind of like repress them or just say oh well who cares let's just live life let's just go back and kind of distract ourselves um but it's another thing to like really face that fear really confront it right because a lot of it is that you don't actually trust yourself you don't trust yourself as to what you would do if you lost your mind you don't trust yourself what you would do if you lost all your sense of morals and values and all of your standards and all of the limitations you place upon yourself like really see what you have to do here is your mind basically has to let go of all of its self-imposed limitations everything everything you don't allow yourself you know you don't allow yourself to eat sugar you don't allow yourself to jerk off you don't allow yourself to to say something nasty to your parents right these are all limitations that you've been socialized to impose upon yourself in a way it's sort of a domestication process that happened part of this was done by culture and society and your upbringing but part of it you did to yourself like for example you don't want to be an [ __ ] to people so you try to act nice towards them right that's the sort of limitation you've placed upon yourself well all of these sorts of limitations are going to have to be revisited rethought and eventually you're going to shed them if you want to reach the deepest levels of conscience because because at those deepest levels you know social social propriety and being nice this all flies out the window and even your you know your standards for yourself like maybe you have a standard that you would never kill yourself well that standard's gonna have to be questioned at a high enough level of consciousness you have to really confront that and you have to really confront the question of like why not kill yourself like truly confront that and the problem with that is that there's no guarantees there that it's going to come out in a positive direction there's no guarantees at all like if you contemplate it all through that eventually you'll come to the conclusion that you shouldn't kill yourself there's no such guarantee so i went through a period of that very deeply uh quite frankly to be honest with you it was very dangerous and this is not something i would recommend to most people to go this this deep to go this high this far because frankly um it's a coin flip i don't know you know i'm here now but i don't know which way it would have gone um there's no safety nets here i'm talking about levels of consciousness that have no safety nets this is not something i'm describing to you because i want you to do it this is something i'm describing to you as a cautionary tale and as something just as a description of what i've done in my own journey whether you do this or not for yourself for most of you i wouldn't recommend doing this for most of you this is very dangerous for plenty of you this will result in your suicide so i don't recommend this this is dangerous i'm just explaining what happened to me and for me this was necessary because i'm serious about this work most of you aren't serious about this work and even those of you who think you are you're not and many of you who think you are are also very mentally unstable so i'm not giving you any guarantees of safety here this is dangerous stuff but eventually what happened with me was that i was able to go through it and i learned it was basically a process of learning to trust myself it was such a profound surrender and letting go that i surrendered to the possibility of suicide but then what happened was that after i accepted that possibility and i surrendered to it i basically learned to trust myself like again i'm going to describe something here that's very dangerous that i don't want you guys to do but i'm just going to describe it because i don't know how else to communicate what i want to say here again if you're mentally unstable if you're suicidal if you have mental illness stop watching this recording don't listen to this you've been warned so basically for example if you were taking psychedelics usually my advice to newbies would be like hide all the dangerous things in your house so that it's not easily accessible if you have a gun in the house you know put it away lock it away if you have a knife you know put put that away somewhere in a drawer so it's out of your eyesight so that you're not tempted to play with it or accidentally use it or whatever you know even if you're in the kitchen just you know you want to cook something you could start a fire you could burn yourself etc and in general that's good practice but also notice that that's actually coming from a place of fear so that that's my standard protocol but in this case i had to go so deep that uh again i had to remove all those limits for myself so imagine if you will sitting there with a gun in your hand loaded sitting there contemplating the nature of suicide whether you should live or not while you're on psychedelics while you're extremely conscious and also while you're going through paranoia and you feel like you're losing your mind and sitting there just contemplating the nature of your life and existence whether you should exist or not or keep living or not and really facing your fear of pulling that trigger and not trying to control it with your ego and then you go through that whole process and in that process what happens is that you stop fearing yourself you accept yourself and reality and god so completely that you realize there's nothing to fear and you don't have to hold yourself back with fear anymore you just trust the process you trust the unfoldment of reality you trust god's plan for you and in the end of course you don't pull the trigger because there's no need to but in this case you didn't pull the trigger because of some human fears or worries or whatever here you you actually did a true profound surrender and you really learn to trust yourself you learn to trust for example you know some people have a fear of heights in fact i have a pretty big fear of heights and they say you know interestingly they say that what people are afraid of is not the height per se but what they're afraid of is that if they're standing on a ledge that's like a thousand feet you know high what they're really afraid of is they're afraid that they won't be able to control themselves and they'll jump off now imagine standing on that ledge deliberately if you have that fear imagine walking up to the very edge where your feet are half hanging off the ledge even and then you know your whole life you've you've been afraid of like you can't control yourself what if you jump off what if you lose your mind and you jump off you walk right up to the edge you stand there you look down you completely surrender you stop trying to control with with fear or with ego and if the universe has its plan set for you to jump off you're gonna jump off and you accept that and then through that process what happens through that surrender and acceptance what happens if you do it properly ideally is is that you don't jump off but what what really the goal of it is is that you learn to trust yourself and then from that point forward you can be on the edge of tall buildings and you know that you're never going to jump off now you could fall off if you're clumsy you could trip someone could push you off you still got to be careful about all those possibilities you know a gust of wind can come and blow you off that's still a problem gotta be cautious but the fear that you yourself will jump off that's gone because in some manner you've you've learned to trust yourself you've learned to trust in god basically so that happened to me like i said this is serious stuff this is heavy stuff um i don't recommend that you guys do this and if you decide to do it i'm not going to take any responsibility whatsoever over the outcome of that for you if you think that the outcome is going to be great for you the way it was for me first of all you have no idea the challenges i went through second of all there's no such guarantees that's that's what makes it real work is that there isn't a guarantee you're taking a leap of faith you're trusting in god and god isn't promising you a guarantee that everything's going to come out peachy but in doing that if you should you know overcome that and come out unscathed then you've learned some serious lesson there that's some deep deep deep inner growth the other thing that i struggled with afterwards is i struggled with a profound loss of purpose and motivation once you access these ridiculous levels of consciousness you know coming back and living ordinary life and doing ordinary things it's just it's it's a real struggle to motivate yourself to get back to work to talk to your family to be nice to people to you know to to clean your toilet all this sorts of stuff um even for me for me i mean it wasn't so much those things it was like running actualize.org i really have to question like why am i even doing this who am i even teaching why am i teaching what is the purpose of all this why put out videos because none of the videos that i put out come anywhere close to the levels of consciousness that i'm talking about so i went through a period of that as well and i sort of integrated that as well and then sort of like regained my purpose and my motivation but it took it took took a week or two for that to happen again in this process there's no guarantees that you're going to retain your purpose or your motivation maybe you'll lose it all maybe you'll give it all up that's part of you know facing your deepest fears that's ultimately what you're doing in this work you're facing your deepest fears of course when it comes to facing your deepest fears you have to be intelligent about that you have to be cautious because it's possible to face your deepest fears in a dangerous way like for example if you fear bears you might say well okay you know leo told me to face my deepest fears so i'm going to go into the forest and find a bear and poke it with a stick but you see that fear is there for a good reason the fear is intelligent there's a deep intelligence in your fears they're not just fear is not just all you know as they say false expectations appearing real you know fear false expectation appearing a lot of times it is that but not always is that if you go into the forest looking for a bear and poke it with a stick it's gonna kill you you're right to be afraid of that but also at the same time if you're gonna just you know sit at home for the rest of your life and never go into the forest because you're so afraid of bears then you see the problem with that as well so some some kind of balance has to be found and it's not easy to articulate what that balance how to find that balance or there's not an algorithm for that balance and a lot of stupid people if they try to do this process they're going to hurt themselves so i'm just warning you so overall i had to go through a process of a profound letting go uh i noticed that personally in my own life throughout most of my life i've been very anal sort of you know they say anal retentive um that's because you know i've been very ambitious i had to you know buckle down in my life you know to to accomplish the things that i needed to accomplish to get to the point that i'm at now so that caused me to need to be very anal about my diet about how i behave the standards i set for myself and so forth um i had to let go a lot about of a lot of that through this process i allowed myself to indulge indulgent food indulgent sex again like uh um here's a lesson for you guys you know a lot of you who are doing sort of nofap stuff and you know you're trying to you know improve your diet and all this kind of stuff you know kind of like keep yourself away from evil and from sin and from temptation the way you're going about it is wrong um you're doing it through this anal method and um you know there's there's there's time and place for that uh but ultimately when you get to the deepest levels you're gonna have to actually go through a process of allowing yourself to indulge in some of those things again um so that when you truly abstain from those things in the future you do it consciously out of a conscious recognition not not in a sort of like a formulaic ego based way so just like i was saying you know with the example of walking up to a cliff and standing there it's like you walk up to a cliff normally you'd be so afraid that you wouldn't even allow yourself to walk up to that cliff but if you're going to do it in a more conscious way you allow yourself to walk up right up to that cliff you stand there you kind of you deal with all the fear and all the psychological baggage and problems that come up for you there and then you get over it and then you never again need to worry about cliffs for the rest of your life at least jumping off of them so a similar sort of thing i mean this is closely related to the topic that i talked about called burning through karma go see my episode burning through karma where i talk about this stuff we're actually allowing yourself to indulge in food and sex and porn and whatever you're holding yourself back from um this is actually a very powerful way for transcending your cravings for those things but this sort of an advanced topic because you might wonder like well leo if i just indulge in food and sex and everything then when i get fat and i want to get lazy and won't i you know have all sorts of problems how do i tran how is that going to lead to transcendence because a lot of people indulge in those things but they never transcend them well um yeah it's difficult i talked more about that in my episode burning through karma go check that out this that episode is a very very powerful episode i've been using that that method a lot in the last year or two um it's been producing some great results for me um that i i don't claim to have transcended everything i still have a lot of karma to burn through but powerful method powerful method just you got to be careful with it a balance needs to be struck there uh also because the levels of consciousness that i was experiencing were so profound that really one of the sort of remnants from all that that um from all those conscious excursions has been like a profound recognition of beauty i connected with beauty at such a profound level like um to the point where like my whole life is being re-centered and reoriented around beauty like i'll talk more about that in the future i'll have a whole episode just about what is beauty and its nature and so forth but just like a very profound recognition of the beauty of life the beauty of myself the beauty of the mind the beauty of everything basically and uh finding ways to reconnect with that more and uh art is a great vehicle and medium for that really that that's the that's the function of art i'll talk more about that in the future so i've been i've been dabbling in that more consuming more art through various various forms of art um get getting like more in touch with that because really what's the point of life the point of life is just to experience its beauty that's that's what you're left with at the end of everything once you go through all the work and all that stuff what are you left with you're just left with you sitting there admiring the beauty of existence that's all you're left with in the end um like i said i watched a lot of my own videos reflected on them deeply um what struck me this was going to sound kind of narcissistic and self-serving but what struck me was the profound intelligence within my own work in levels of intelligence layers of intelligence is present in my own work that i didn't even recognize until just recently so i have i gained such such a deeper appreciation of my own work because a lot of times i take my own work for granted you know i i kind of just churn out content put it out there i get a lot of trolls who criticize me and so forth and people who gaslight me and i got a lot of praise too but still like even the praise that i get it it's surface level it doesn't really go to the it's not a true recognition of my own intelligence like i had such a i have such a deep appreciation of my own intelligence um that it it's astounding like it astounds my own intelligence astounds me now this sounds narcissistic and arrogant but really it it's just it's just an acknowledgement of fact like there's an immense intelligence at work here right it's not mine it's not it's not property of leo this intelligence is the universe working through me but as it's working through me just like you might be astounded at some of the intelligent things that come out of my mouth um as they come out of my mouth or come into my mind i'm equally as astounded by the intelligence of these things because it's not me who's doing it it's the universe at work it's the universe's intelligence it's the beauty of intelligence and uh and after all all this after all these psychedelic excursions and all the integration work after all that like i swear this whole process has left me just at another level like my intelligence has has taken a leap to the next level my intelligence and my creativity just like wow like wow just like so much more intelligent like i can feel myself becoming more and more intelligent like intelligent in like a stable manner and this intelligence is not an iq it's not an iq thing it's it's so much more holistic it's so much deeper than that i'll have a whole episode about intelligence in the future i already have one called what is intelligence but like i'm starting to understand intelligence so far beyond what i talked about in that episode because that episode is like three or four years old so far beyond what's in that episode like the intelligence that you come into contact with through this process is is one of the greatest rewards of this work it's one of the most beautiful and astounding aspects of this work and so for me part of what i'm doing going forward is like really cultivating my intelligence ever more deeply so that's basically it that explains what i've been up to uh don't worry there's many practical episodes that i still have planned that will be coming up it's not just going to be all this you know poetic artsy fartsy god realization mumbo jumbo there's going to be a lot of practical stuff but understand that as i'm teaching you the practical stuff i'm also going through deep spiritual transformations and realizations within myself which are somewhat mucking up the process and my priority at this point in my life is not to just be pumping out practical content which i could do um i can't do that anymore because i used to do that i can't do that anymore because it's just it's not aligned with the things that i've become conscious of the highest things right so my priority is shifting towards beauty towards intelligence towards towards holism towards um towards god and away from practical topics now for many of you this will seem like it's a step backwards like it's a regression because you're at a place in your life where you just need practical stuff well what you need to understand is that it's not a regression um it just seems that way from your perspective because where you're at is like you just need practical stuff i've been there for many years but i went through that phase you know a decade ago um and you know i'm still a very practical person but like uh one of the things you have to understand is that when you when you exhaust all the practical stuff and you realize that it still doesn't make you happy and then you start doing steep spiritual work and you have some of the realizations i've had um like the practical stuff just it doesn't interest you anymore you're after a bigger game there's much bigger fish in the sea that you can catch so that's what i'm after but i still recognize the importance of being practical and will have those episodes coming up all right that's it uh please click the like button for me um come check out my website check out my blog i'm posting a lot of cool stuff on the blog i'm sharing more artsy stuff on the blog more kind of inspirational stuff more poetic stuff but also there's still going to be practical stuff on the blog come sign up to the forum check out my book list sign up for future courses sign up to my newsletter future courses will be coming out in the future sign up for those to hear about them so there's all that good stuff and then um you can support me on patreon if you'd like i appreciate that and lastly i want to leave you with this look what are we doing here in the end with this work my highest function and responsibility in the end is not to give you tips practical stuff about living a successful life it's to inform you and to remind you of your highest possibilities i'm in a very unique position in life to know your highest possibilities because i've gone there and i've seen it within myself and since i am you i know that those highest possibilities that are within me are precisely within you and i know that almost nobody else in society is going to point out your highest possibilities to you so that's what i'm hammering on now with my work that's my number one concern for you yeah we'll talk about success-oriented stuff we'll talk about how to get laid some more and we'll talk about relationships and we'll talk about some political stuff in the future we'll talk about all that but you can get that almost anywhere there's hundreds of and thousands of teachers and courses and books that can help you with all that so what's my unique value proposition to you it's not that stuff i can help you with that stuff and i can help you in that in those way in ways that might even be i would i would dare to say better than most of stuff you find out there on those topics but um but i don't want to sell you short and i want to make sure we don't take our eye off off the prize here the ultimate prize the ultimate prize is for you to actualize your highest possibility and that's what i want to make sure that we don't lose track of that we don't get distracted from because if life is good at anything it's it's it's great at distracting us from keeping our eye on the highest prize of life which is your god realization so that's what i'll be hammering and emphasizing and reminding you of again and again and again and again if you stick around and stay tuned with me we'll talk about all the practical stuff but i'll keep hammering you on this because who else will you